Ladies, I think the key for us is to think of what we felt when we had a major, public, embarrassing failure moment where we wanted to crawl into a hole and die — and realize that that is what our husband feels when we snippily correct his parenting, order him around, or tease him in front of his friends about breaking the kitchen plumbing when he tried to fix the sink.
What a great incentive that is for me to be much more aware of how I am coming across! However you want to dress the kids is fine. Thanks for doing that. Or a husband. Or a dishwasher-loader. I will confess, that even after all these years of researching the inner feelings of men, I had never really understood why inadequacy was so painful to them.
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships.
This article was first published at Patheos. The positive feedback is absolutely necessary. I like how the husbands get on here and respond to the posts! My husband has said almost verbatim what Daniel mentioned above in his comment. People become complacent a few years into a relationship; this is your chance to put back the excitement back into yours.
Stop being the victim in this situation. Take up a new interest to show him that you are not dependent on him and allow yourself to regain your self-respect. CG, via email. Write down some examples of things he has said which have made you feel inadequate and then talk to him about how you have been feeling.
Ask him how he sees your future together and why he compares you unfavourably, and listen carefully to what he says. Spend as much time as possible with people who make you feel good about yourself. You need to rediscover the person you are and to rebuild your self-esteem. Think about what you want. How much happiness does this relationship bring you? And how much pain? Is it worth it? You have the right to be loved and valued for who you are. If your partner will not do this, maybe someone else will.
E, via email. If your description of what's happening is accurate, then it would be understandable if you decided to leave your partner. However, the fact that you're asking whether you should do so suggests that you're still hoping to find a way to sort things out.
Let's start by considering why he appears to have changed so much. You suspect it's because of his new job and the new people he has met. Although this may seem obvious, it can't be the whole story; different circumstances alone wouldn't cause him to behave cruelly.
This would only happen if, at the same time, he undervalues you and your relationship. In fact, it may be that he's been dissatisfied for a while, but he'd decided his old job was the cause. Now that he's made a change in that respect but is still unhappy, it seems he's attributed the problem to his relationship with you, rather than taking responsibility for it himself.
Of course, the new job may be contributing to his disquiet. He may imagine, for example, that everyone around him is totally fulfilled - unlike the two of you - and he's envious.
It could be that he's constantly undermined in his new role and believes he made a mistake in accepting it. However, instead of taking some positive action to resolve the situation, he appears to be simply venting his anger and frustration on you. Whatever the explanation, it's important to realise that his job and his new colleagues are only acting as catalysts for his underlying disquiet - and it's this underlying disquiet that needs to be addressed.
However, you can only sort things out together if you're still committed to sustaining a relationship. If he's willing to work with you rather than to continue to take his hurt out on you, you will almost certainly find ways to improve life for both of you. Generally the work involves looking at all the areas the man has avoided specifically as a result of this belief.
For example, the man may have avoided playing sports or even joining activities that only involve men. Additionally, they may have judged certain groups of people specifically as a result of this belief. The work of the man here is to actually put himself in situations that he would have historically avoided.
It is only through the visceral experience of challenging the belief can the man move past it or at least determine for himself if it is actually true or not.
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